Seek First to Understand

In his popular book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, Stephen Covey gives a vivid account of a paradigm shift. One day Covey was riding the train and lost his cool with some unruly kids and their nonchalant father. Annoyed he asked the man to control his children. The man apologized and explained that his wife, the children’s mother, had just passed away. He said the kids were not sure how to take the news and neither was he.

Instantly, Covey’s paradigm shifted from one of annoyance to one of empathy and shame for being so inpatient.

Something like this happened to me tonight.

As I was pulling up to my house a car riding behind me sped up and tried to pass me on the left. Instantly, my anger got the best of me and I yelled at the driver as she drove by. Years ago they connected my neighborhood to an adjacent development which turned my street into a convenient cut-through. People tend to speed through risking the lives of neighborhood kids and this really upsets me.  That paradigm is what made me lash out the way I did.

Then my paradigm shifted.

As the woman drove by she looked at me frantically and apologetically and said, “I’m really sorry, I’m trying to get my baby to the hospital.” My anger instantly turned to concern and shame.  Later I called the hospital to see what happened. Unfortunately, they will not release any information unless you have a name, which I didn’t.  I remember her personalized tags and have seen the car before so I will continue my search with some police friends.  Honestly, I feel miserable about this whole thing.  I pray everything is alright.

Tonight’s lesson is borrowed from Covey’s book. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” This just may save you some serious shame and worrying in the future.

Here is a clever summary of Covey’s book in 5 minutes that also introduces you to a mnemonic (memory technique) for remembering the "7 Habits" in detail.  You will be amazed at how this works.



Also, here is a link to order Covey's book from Amazon if you're interested.

7 Habits of Highly Effective People